Breast feeding

People who are offended when my girlfriend breastfeeds in public should shut the fuck up. What she does in natural and it strengthens the bond……

…….plus I get very thirsty when we go shopping together.

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Bad Teeth

I’m not saying my ex girlfriend has bad teeth, but she just smiled in Walmart and……..

…….the barcode scanner picked it up as a box of diapers.

Problems in the Bedroom

I told my mate that I’m having problems in the bedroom so he advised me to take viagra…….

……..now I’ve not only got a very difficult wardrobe to assemble but also a very hard cock

Twitter Obsession

My girlfriend told me she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter…….

…….without any hesitation I proceeded to unfollow her

💋🐾

My new girlfriend’s an animal in bed……..

……..she snores like a pig

Marriage 📖

Just read a book about marriage. It says to treat your wife like you did on your first date. So after dinner tonight…………

………..I’m going to her drop her back to her parents house.

New Recliner

Bought a new reclining chair which has this feature in which if you lean back in it, just before it catches……..

………it instills within you the fear you are about to die

How much?!

Oh you spent £9k to take your kids to Disney?…………

……………My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

Dating

The downside of dating intelligent women is having……….

……….to Google what they call you when it ends badly

👓

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses…………..

………..Her: *putting them back on* I do