Valentines 🌹

Looking for a bit of advice… What’s the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine’s Day? 6? 12? 24? ……..

………..Or the whole tin?

Voices

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent……

……I never know what those fuckers are planning.

Computer 💻 Hackers

In an attempt to deter computer hackers I’ve changed all my passwords to ‘Brazil Nut’……

…….That will be a hard one to crack.

Happy 2020

I’m opening a Gym called ‘Resolutions’. It will have gym equipment for the first two weeks of the year….

….and then it turns into a Bar for the rest of the year. 

Presents 🎁

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present……

…….It’s a gift.

Internet

Facebook asks what I’m thinking. Twitter asks what I’m doing. Google asks where I am……

……..The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

Warning ⚠️

Hi all, if you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it…….

………It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, wanks

Dry Skin

The number one cause of dry skin…….

…..Towels

My Next Trick

For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap…….

………Drum roll please.

New Car 🚘 ✨

I got a brand new car for my wife…….

…..the best trade I have ever made.