Carpenter wanted

Any carpenters looking for work? Cabinet falling apart. Might be a few screws loose……..

……..Address: 10 Downing Street.

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Lottery Win!!

I can’t believe I have a winning lottery ticket. Please respect our families privacy at this time as we decide how to move forward in this exciting moment of time……

……I will be collecting the £3.60 shortly. 

Bus 🚌

Two old ladies talking at the Cafe..”Did you come on the bus Lucinda?”………

…….”Yes I did, Ethel, but I made it look like an asthma attack”.

Silent treatment

My girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment today. I just wish I knew what I did to upset her……..

………so I can do it again when she starts to talk.

Alone

I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life, unless someone special comes along……..

………and fucks that up.

Multitask

I’m sick of people saying men can’t multitask. I can tell my ex girlfriend she looks beautiful and………

…….keep a straight face at the same time.

Somersault

If one more person asks me to do a somersault……..

………I swear I’m gonna flip.

Here For U

I just wanted to let you know that if you are feeling down and need someone, I am always here for you……

……only on Facebook though, don’t phone me or come to my house with that shit.

Marriage 💍

Marriage is like a game of cards. It starts off with 2 hearts and a diamond……

………but eventually you’ll need a club and a spade.

Bus Stop 🚏

Sitting at a bus stop, I asked a bird, “when’s it due?”

She replied “I’m not pregnant you d**k”……..

…………..“I was taking about the bus you f**king fat cow”.