Says here you get offended by comments on FaceBook. I’m writing you a prescription for………..
………two testicles.
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Parachute
My ex-girlfriend is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow. I am sincerely and genuinely scared that the chute won’t open……….
…….the last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Doctors Visit
Nurse says to an old man, “the doctor would like a stool, urine and sperm sample”,
Man turns to wife, “what did she say”………
……..his wife replies, “they want your underwear”
Thrown Out
Got thrown out the chemist today. All I asked the lady behind the counter was, ‘do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?’ She went mental…….
…….fuck knows how I am supposed to take these medications.
Waddle Walk
You know when you are having a shit and you suddenly realise you have run out of toilet paper, so you have to get up and do the ‘waddle walk’ to get a new role……………….
………….well I’m nearly at the supermarket.
Auto Correct
Auto correct is a fucker. I just text my girlfriend if she wanted to go for a wank down the river……..
……..I meant the canal!!
Not Tonight
I may not be getting a shag tonight but I’m definitely banging………
……….my snooze button in the morning.
Position
Head down and arse up, that’s how I like……
……..to tie my shoelaces.
Jogging 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️
Just seen 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and…….
……..close the fucking blinds.
Dilemma 🤔
My son asked me what a ‘dilemma’ was.
I said “imagine you’re naked in a big bed with a beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other side…………
………who you gonna turn your back on?”
